Friday, February 6, 2015

MY 1,600 WORDS OF TOTAL NONSENSE: THE PART TWO!

This is a sponsored submission from 360talkatives blog.


this is pointless



He did 1600 words and called it plain nonsense. But instead of forgetting those, he has just done another 1600, which is obviously more nonsense than the last. Duru Chimezie's Banter Without Doors last week was the bomb and got a lot of readership, and this week, he has just added a part two to his pile of absolute crap. You'd love this.

(You can read the Part One here)
Last week, I wasted a wee bit over 2 hours of my time, putting together a wee bit over sixteen hundred (1,600) words of total rubbish and refuse. Then, after posting it here, I got the best-ever readership for any Banter article I have written on 360talkatives. Apparently, many people wasted a wee bit of their precious time on the absolute nonsense. While that may seem blatantly stupid, I wasn't going to turn a corner either, and go and get you a fresh article which is a bit less stupid. Not really. Wouldn't do that. Instead, I have increased the dose or pile of debris in our multi-roomed shit-housery. I have brought with me a zillion number of refuse bins and we are going to enjoy a lot more rubbish than we did last week. I mean, I have already begun saying the nonsense since from when you started reading this, and we are only just commencing. So it wouldn't really be so much of an absolutely bad idea if you have been thinking of gently crossing your legs while I serve you plate after plate of this terribly muddled-up heap of complete gobbledygook!

Now, what's the point of Zuma? If you have already known who or what I am referring to, then you can happily agree (with glee) that you are a game freak. If you still don't, then you are not (without glee though). However, to continue sharing brotherly love from the be gone Xmas, I'd want to simply explain Zuma as 'that thing' people do with either their phone or PC, where they try to force 'those things' that look like pebbles to disappear from 'that thing' that looks like a path before they get to that 'that thing' that looks like a skull. I hope I got it accurately spot-on as I haven't loved it enough to try it firsthand. And each time you ask those guys who have tried it, the answer you get is that they are 'playing a game' (I bet EA Sports and Konami have been producing toy guns then). So I repeat my question, what's the point of Zuma? I mean, if you eventually get the pebbles to beat the skull, how does that make the world better or save anyone's miserable day? (*slaps face*). You will definitely feel happier of course and probably share a smile or two even if no one is in the room with you, but after that, what becomes? Some trophies? Some presidential handshakes? I mean, what's the total point of increasing your heart beat by 13 beats per second only for you to smile and say "yea, you thought you would beat me and I proved you all wrong" at the end, while feeling particularly smart and clever? And just by yourself and to yourself. That is a serious question I am asking here and wishing I could get answers. We shouldn't bother about the question all being pointless and moronic since we are actually having a field day with rubbish and trash after all. I wonder what exactly they think they are doing - I mean the guys who do Zuma. Oh...playing a game, I suppose. I remember I said that before! Pheew!

But a rather more appealing argument is the woman hair. Now, not like the woman's hair is nonsense. Of course not. Although a good number of them are. I mean, the hair-do and not necessarily the natural hair. In fact, woman hair isn't nonsense except it is nonsense when seen. That is, mostly nonsense if it is an hair-do that is nonsense. Altogether, pardon my seeming paradox, for I am trying my best to explain what's nonsense about the woman hair, albeit not exactly sounding like I am talking nonsense.

The woman hair it is. While it sounds like human hair, it is woman hair I am focused on. Not exactly angry with it. No. I am just finding it difficult not to group a certain style or form of hair-do of the woman hair as nonsense. Especially, when it appears to be interfering with a basic bodily function. For instance, function of sight. So, get my picture; you are a lady and you have two eyes which function even a little over normal (something in the neighborhood of 132% perfection). Then, what exactly explains having the choice to make your hair, in such a manner that it is going to wipe off one of your eyes? You tell the artiste (or whoever gets paid for wiping out one's eye with the hair) to move the hair from its rightful place and then find a way of wrapping it around one of your eyes. Now, that is nonsense. Unless you don't know what's nonsense. But then, it isn't nonsense because it wrapped your left eye into blindness. Nope, not that. It is nonsense because most times, the lady isn't going to agree to remain blind. So while she enjoys the likely adulations that will come from people (of blind-loving kind), she is seen to always fling her head spontaneously at every four seconds, left and right; just to temporary sway the hair away from her eyes in a bid to gain temporary sight. That is the nonsense. Why can't you remain blind if you loved it this much? Wouldn't get an answer obviously. Not even from the boys. And I wouldn't pity the boys either. After all, the adulations aforementioned, would heavily come from them in majority. However, isn't it easy to carve out a saying that will say - "the blind does not call the blind, blind, since he can't see if the other blind is blind"? And if it is easy like I would want to think, then the boys who dash the praise are likely blind too. Maybe over two eyes instead of the lady's one but obviously not covered by man hair. The group of nonsense isn't dispersing very soon. The non-blind would love the blind. That is less nonsense anyway.

Then still on the boys. Nonsense still wishes to graduate. I have several reasons to think rubbish, you know. From boys who make their ties so short that they can pass for a teaspoon to the ones who wear Denim jeans with Senator tops (now this is more nonsense than most roadside debris). There are many gibberish available on the streets of Onitsha, Lagos and Aba but I just have to patiently settle for one. Not like it is actually very necessary to add more nonsense. Not exactly. But nonsense is nonsense, you know. And when it exactly stinks, both analogically and literally, then it's worth a place on my Banter Without Doors. This very pile of nonsense has kept my head bemused and rather stranded for a difficult 7 years now. Senseless as it might be, it is even more senseless what the rubbish about it, is. Socks. That is what it is. Some call them stockings and even sockings. Pheeeew!! Whatever!!! But socks is/are the problem! Now you may establish my nonsense, wouldn't you?.

Putting an obviously ludicrous boy who wears Denims under Senator shirts aside, what can be more aimless than wearing tuxedos (suits if you like) and tie-shirts (and with ties) without socks? I liken it to collecting all the sewage from the toilets in a building or group of buildings with PVC pipes, but instead of disposing them into a septic tank, you decide to dispose them on the floor right inside the compound. Begging the question, why then dint you leave people to defecate right on the floor? Collecting the sewage was aimless. Same with the guy on a tuxedo and without any socks. Why then did you wear the tuxedo and a shoe?! For James' sake, put on some socks! For all the fashionistas have tried to do in convincing the Queen of England as well as the rest of us, that fashion can really change and change up to the point where socks wouldn't be necessary, I still cannot find any other way to react to persons on corporate without socks other than plain dissent. You look more like Eze's headmaster (from Eze Goes To School) than anything else. Even most headmasters appeared a lot better given they mostly had their carton-coloured socks albeit being more of football hoses than socks. Even at that, they looked really smart in their own way. Not having your socks on, when you should is simply disgusting and passes the feeling that you must be clueless in some way and in dire need of someone to put you out of your misery. I haven't said that there are not times when you shouldn't be without the socks, though. But that has never included when you have a shirt and a tie, let alone a jacket/coat over the outfit. *Clears throat* When nonsense graduates, we call rubbish trucks to party! Simply irks my goat.

My bin is full after all. It was really a scatter gun of all sorts of debris. From knackered tin containers that looked soaked in wet mud to all types of human clothing, with dismembered parts. We really had our field day. Or should I say we really allowed nonsense to have its field day (strange I haven't used the word 'nonsense' for over two lines now. Don't bother cross-checking though. Wasn't talking about that).  While we seem to be packing our bags of trash, honorable mentions must be made of some other tolerable craps like, 2go (can someone wake them up and remind them we are in 2015 and with phones like the Galaxy? They might have upgraded to android but looks largely like a thing for java phones), BBM for android (after all the craze for BBM for android, of which it never agreed to install on both my android phones, I have heard from friends that it has become a total waste of space) and finally The African Cup of Nations (I'd rather watch Indoor Snow Skating than sit for 90mins watching that. Is Nigeria really this important?). Anyways, thanks for wasting a good 15 minutes of your time with me. I guess I owe you the 15 minutes all the same. While I drag my debris bag along, don't forget to check me back again next week. It's going to be less nonsense, but nonetheless exciting. See you guys around!



You can read more articles like this from Duru Chimezie, on 360talkatives by clicking here.


P.S BANTER WITHOUT DOORS is a weekly post that comes up every Friday. Don't miss it for anything in the world


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