Sunday, April 9, 2017


To be a typical African is pretty easy. It involves an easy-to-do, practical guide which I will help you with. So this is how to be African – 

First, be born black. Now you have no say in this matter, it is totally a handiwork of nature. But before you cradled into the continent, do ask for enough melanin to withstand the heat and dryness. I don’t know how you would ask, but ask all the same.

Secondly, when you finally arrive the hot and arid location; when you become aware of yourself, of your people, and of your culture; when you have learnt of your colonial masters with tanned skins of yellowish-brown and feathery moustaches, learn to grovel. Just grovel at the presence of the whites. Be fascinated by their color and accents. Never see them as humans; uphold them gods. You know why? Because they are superior. Their skin color gives them that edge. So please them, at your own expense and at the expense of your black brothers.

Thirdly, be corrupt. This is very important. Very. This is your passport to enormous wealth and sometimes, fame. At the slightest opportunity, cheat that neighbor of yours out of his little cash, because yesterday he also had behaved like that elder sibling who have kept for himself a huge part of the food meant for everybody, and sharing the rest among himself and other siblings. So be [fantastically] corrupt because it enriches you; because it plunders your land.

Fourthly, after you’ve plundered your land, leaving it bare and stricken, your next step is to desire the lands of your erstwhile colonial matters. It doesn’t matter how many times your visa is denied, just try harder. You cannot spend your cash in Africa. No. What does Africa have? No hospitals. No standard education. No power. Nothing. Thus, by all means, leave Africa.

Finally, be religious. Be so religious until it hurts. Set up lots of churches and mosques and shrines. Offer oblations. Let your megaphones blare loudly. Swim in muddy waters wearing sackcloth because these are the ways God will hear your cry, and make Africa great again. These are the ways God will trump the barracks of the ‘wicked ones’ and provide you with food, shelter, education, and power. 
And these are the ways to be African.

WARNING: This guide is to be used STRICTLY by those willing to stick by the norm; those ready to hide their potentials; and those who fail to recognize that being black is just color and not a curse.

Written by Ogbonna Gideon 

P.S. Sorry l haven't posted in a while. Got a new job and my schedule is crazy

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  1. Your post made me so sad. It is so true and so heartbreaking that this is truly what most of us are. Unfortunately, this is truly the people we 'elect' are. This is the people who ruined Nigeria and we are the people who led to ruin. We repeat history over and over no matter the consequences we've seen or foresee. I am just 18 and I am in Canada yet, I can never see myself going back to Nigeria. When I dream of Nigeria, I only think of making it better. I don't dream of the beautiful things it had. I didn't live in the beautiful parts. I lived in Lagos, where the city never reaches the 'rural', where there is no middle class, and you were constantly driven out of school only to come back the next day because you could now pay 1/10 of the school fees.

    P.s. Lagos did have good food though. Despite the horrible hygiene and food safety, the food was good. Strangely never satisfying. This is also true for Canadian fast food restaurants.

  2. Congratulations on your new job sweetie! I expect a post solely about it oh.

    This article made me cringe. That's not how to be African but slaves to culture. *straight face*

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