Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Chronicles of Naija Mum ( part two)

THE NIGERIAN MUM: A CHEST OF SECRETS
I’m sure the C.I.A will be proud of them,with the secrets they keep. Squeezing info from them is like milking a barren cow. Most things you find out in your house is by:
1) Eavesdropping
2) Carrying out your own private investigation when no soul is at home. You can’t ask her her salary or your
father’s salary without her asking you back “Why do you want to know?”They surely answer all questions with questions
Q: Mum, how much did you buy that?
A: Do you want to pay me back?
Q: Is daddy coming back this night?
A: Why are you asking?
Q: Where is all the money the visitors have been giving me that I’ve been giving you to keep?
A: Don’t disturb me! All the food you have been eating, where is it coming from? You can never win them!

THE NIGERIAN MUM: THE GREAT AUDITOR
When you ask your mother for money, she mostly tells you to ‘go and ask your dad’. Sometimes, you think she’s cooperating with you when she whispers to you, “Now that he is with money, you better go and meet him” Please, never you make the mistake of taking this for cooperation because she is never far behind. She may pretend to be dressing the curtain in the bedroom or to be arranging your dad’s clothes but my dear, she is listening intently. The moment your dad is about to bring out the money or is showing interest in what you’re saying, she leaps in like a wolf “Ada, what do you say you’re doing with all that money sef” Or “Junior, I thought we bought you a bicycle before” Or simply “honey/papa Jasper, don’t spoil this boy! Allow him to learn how to save”.

Systematically creating element of doubt in your dad’s mind! And woe betide you, if you’re given that money, don’t bring ‘change’………

THE EFFICIENT DOCTOR
If your mum was a nurse as a kid, I’m officially sorry for you.This part is not for you because, I’m sure
you’ve been through a lot.Yes, Nigerian nurses are known to shout at sick patients, hold stubborn children well for injections and ensure all drugs are
taken.
All Nigerian mums are nurses, quote me anywhere!
Often times you overhear their conversation with the doctor in the
hospital
DOCTOR: Madam, ensure that she takes the full prescription in the right dosage.
SUPER MUM: Doctor, I can handle her, leave that to me!

LIST OF THINGS MUMS HATE
1)That Round Leather Object called
‘football‘- She probably bought you your first ball but that was years ago when you knew nothing. Once you grow up and are big enough to play it with friends or you are going out to the fields to play, it
becomes her enemy. She is ready to locate you in that field while you’re at the post as the keeper and drag you by the ear with
your socks and boots back home to knee down, raise up your arms and close your eyes.(plus ruin your budding street career)

2)Video Games and All Games Infact-
Even when you are on a long vacation, shecan’t leave you in peace to enjoy your football video games, racing games and (those days) Street Fighters and Mortal Kombat. Don’t be decieved! She’s the greatest villain you have to defeat while playing these games!
To her, these games are a waste of time. She will often ask “Jide, is this the only thing you do when you wake up in the morning? ”. It’s better to keep quiet at the
moment and act sober when she asks you. Any reply to defend yourself will lead to, “Oya, pack up that game with the game pad and keep in my room now!”. Begging may even lead to whipping. And please, it is not just video games, this extends to Whot, Jackpot, Ludo, Draft. Many-a-whots have been burnt or decapitated by mums. They favour scrabble though…

3)All Music Videos and ‘Corrupt’ Movies-
We didn’t have Lady Gaga then or Rihanna going topless (God knows what children now are facing) but we had Shaba Ranks and his women, Patra, Snoop Dogg and his ‘evil’ dancers, and later Jennifer Lopez,
Mariah Carey. Sexy women of the era, beloved by all, except mums! The moment they catch a glimpse of these ‘half naked’ women, it’s like seeing Satan with all his hosts approaching. You’d be asked to ‘switch off that telly’ or even worse ‘Change it to the network news’
You better be on the alert when watching movies, ready to fast forward because if that man and woman in that film try to ‘near’ each other as if to kiss and you’re not fast enough to fast forward it………..

4)The neighbour’s kids – She smiles with them all the time and calls them pet names but once you start going to their house too much to play, they become the
enemy, “Where are you going, John” she blocks you at the door.
“To Emeka’s house”
“To do what?”, before you answer she says
in a low voice(so they don’t hear)
“Come on! Will you sit down! Is your own
house scratching you?”

NIGERIAN MUMS AND SEX EDUCATION
The word, ‘sex’ and ‘education’ standing next to each other is suspect to the ears of Nigerian mothers. Sadly, for many, what they learnt about sex is mostly from
magazines, television or friends at school. Ask mums anything about sex, they become alarmed and ask,
“Where did you learn that from?”
When the time is ripe for you to know
(that is, when you must have done so many bad things already), they sit you down and tell you something so basic.
GIRLS- “…when you start seeing that blood and you. meet a man, you will get pregnant and when you
get pregnant, that is the end of your life oh”
FOR BOYS-”DON’T DARE IMPREGNATE ANY GIRL AND BRING HER HERE FOR ME AND YOUR DAD TO TRAIN!”
The End.
CONCLUSION:
For the overly serious folks that will read this and conclude that I am ‘portraying the Nigerian mothers’ as bullies. Far from that! We all love them, don’t we?
However, let’s not call it bullying, let’s call it ‘home training’.

Tags; uncle steve, naija mums, FMB,bully,lady gaga, Mariah Carey, Shaba Ranks, Rihanna, Patra, Whoop Dogg, sex

Twitter handle; @dahliadona

5 comments:

  1. very true recount of my childhood

    ReplyDelete
  2. All the way I concur with you..... Lmfao. All things things person go sit down dey wonder how e be say na all of dem get am for body sha!!!!! Thumbs up to you on this write up. Nice one.

    ReplyDelete
  3. as in eh!!! no be small tin o..fanks jare

    ReplyDelete
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