“…I just want a God-fearing man…”
***Spoiler alert** this is
not a sermon, sorry. For deep religious perspective, maybe I will do that in
some other article.
***Safety alert** to the men
reading this (but then I can’t understand why, I
mean, just take a look at the title) …the wrath of some
ladies is about to be incurred. You are strongly advised to proceed to place
empty pot over head as detailed in diagram 1 of the included leaflet on precautionary
measures, and to hold the pot cover in the fashion illustrated there.
—————–
After extensive and in-depth
field research within its expected natural habitat, our scientists have made
some salient findings concerning the “god-fearing man”
(…well, the version of such a man most girls have in
their minds, anyway)
It isn’t
that he is scarce, or that you haven’t searched properly
or prayed well enough. And it’s certainly not that he
doesn’t like women, or that he is always in the church and
does not want to be found. It is just one simple, constant fact.
The man does not exist.
Our scientists shall explain:
“…I just want a God-fearing man…” is all well and good for a woman to say, when that is what she
actually wants. But then, she would also have to ask herself this question
“Would a God-fearing man want me?”
Now, back to our findings…
Ladies, what some of you really want is a “god-fearing man”
who can also eat you up expertly and slay you with the stamina of a horny
pornstar juiced on sildenafil.
I don’t
think the Holy Spirit inspires men that way… but I’ll
ask next Sunday just to make sure.
Now, consider a scenario
where a man is holding together his household as reasonably as this messed up
economy of ours permits. He has his shit together and he does his family. responsibilities
as he should. Every other thing is
fine except for one oft
repeated statement
“…he doesn’t satisfy me sexually…”
—–
****Disclaimer** We have no
personal experience in thecollation of that sort of data
Doro boss…
Hmmm… Doro skillful… Ehen!
More importantly, our
research fellows have heard it said on many different online fora by many other
people, so they know of what they speak.
—–
But hold on. First of all
consider that the man in question is in no way impotent, and that after the day’s
exhaustion of doing his work diligently as a God-fearing man should; promptly,
without avoiding it and without cutting corners, he still returns home early.
Note that here I said “home”,
not mama Nkechi’s beer parlour that is just down the street and around
the corner, close-by.
He returns home to give you
some sweet-sweet loving as best a healthy man can, but his efforts –
which should be seen as no way sloppy to someone without a gene for nymphomania
– begin to fall flat to your expectations of
wild, tantric and acrobatic
sex.
“…He doesn’t care enough to go
down on me…”
****Personal advice** I think
you should consider that at least he doesn’t care enough to go
down on other women!
Now hold on. This is only for
people who are married. I once saw a seventeen year old holding a placard
saying something like “AIDS free generation…
Without condoms, no sex… Be wise enough to condomise…” blah blah
That boy is supposed to be at
home watching Naruto or gaming his playstation, not thinking about sex without condoms.
Now don’t
get me wrong. It is very well known that at that age, youths’
brains are steeped in the soup of hormones and unrealistic ideas about love
propagated by the media, trashy novels, and misguided friends.
As my Anambrarian friend
would put it
“…Hormones ejero akwukwo. Ha amaro ife…” (hormones didn’t go to school, they don’t
know anything).
What youths of that age need
is a sense of purpose. Anything constructive that takes a huge chunk of their leisure
time, be it extra reading to acheive higher grades at school and get more swag
for that… or something as simple as beating a new game’s
high score.
Not least of all, the ever
important need for the guidance from their parents.
If all these are done,
perhaps there would be fewer of the broken hearts reconcilable with prematurely
broken hymens, and respite from porn, frequent masturbation and from embarassing
erections that occur at random.
But I digress…
The results of our findings
have led our team to believe that this is what most women who say “I
just want a God- fearing man…” actually mean:
“…I just want a player whose attentions would remain solely
with me…”
But that doesn’t
even make sense, now does it?
The player, as opposed to the
“God-fearing man” in its natural
habitat, has in the course of his life acquired “a
very special set of skills” which make him the
player that he is.
He will look for you…
He will find you… And he will *hold your hand* you.
He will *hold your hand* you,
reeeeeal good.
Now, some women actually
expect a player to forsake all his other missions and then focus solely on
their own objective when they get married. But how can you reasonably expect
him to eschew the characteristics that make him who he is, which was what
endeared you to him in the first place?
Wait. Let me ask Ifa…
But if by any fat chance the
player does change, and he’s no longer the
swarthy, sex oozing demi-god you had grown to lust after, sorry…
love, that is when anybody who cares to listen would begin to hear things like
“…We’ve simply lost our
spark…”
In response to this, Socrates
made this erudite comment in 659 BC
“Taa! …Spark, faya!”
*mtscheww*
—–
****Caveat** As for unmarried
adults who have full responsibility for themselves, it is our firm belief that preaching
is a waste of time. Anyone who has an issue with that could always comment
below. People who pay their own bills should be able to live their lives
however they
wish. We shall speak more on
that later…
—–
Our researchers also
encountered a randomly occurring variable which came up enough times to make
them consider factoring it in
“…You men are heartless…”
Says the recently dumped
woman who against better judgement remained with said player specimen for his extensive
narrow point immersion explorations, where after frequent occasions of passage,
“narrow” has become highly debatable.
In all, from this research,
our analysts have drawn the conclusion that women are the creators of the
player specimen. It can be scientifically proven…
Now consider a body at rest,
having negligible momentum to approach said woman mentioned in the above
section because according to her:
“…You’re such a great guy.
Every girl needs a guy like you… Smart, caring,
intelligent. The girl who finds you will be so lucky…”
***Observation** You
yourself, you don’t want to be lucky abi?
Now naturally, the guy’s
mind would be something of the nature of
“…WTF?! …I’M
A GUY LIKE ME..!”
This will soon become the
past though; some identifiable time when he had thought that being a gentleman
would get him the girl he had only the noblest of intentions for.
“You’re going after the
wrong girl” someone might have told him. He wouldn’t
listen.
Following the same pattern,
after three or so similar speeches, girl after girl puts said guy on a long
thing.
Guy swears revenge on all
women.
Said guy blocks the next chic
and sweet-talks her into a dark corner for “Aru aja”
so fast that he wonders what he had been doing wrong all that time prior. He
feels her clawing all over him, dragging him and licking his…
erm… eyeballs… His eyeballs, yes.
****Comment** “Aru
aja” could be connotatively said by my friends in the East
to mean “the back to the wall”
It is not a noble art.
Now, the previously
momentum-absent body feels all good inside. He feels a kind of power which had
been to him up until that moment, only described.
A power that he never
believed he could exploit because he believed he could never use it, or be a
jerk to a woman simply for the fun of it.
Said guy leads same woman on
a jolly ride until he has sucked enough life-juice from her and then decides to
assign himself to a new mission… Which of course
brings us to:
“…You men are heartless…”
Q.E.D
———
The next day’s
morning paper headline would probably read like this:
HORROR!!!
WOMAN, (age), CHEWS OFF MAN’S
…ERM… EYEBALL. YES,
EYEBALL… REMANDED IN POLICE CUSTODY
WOMAN: “I
love him…”
MAN: “Yeeeeh!”
RELATIVES: “It’s
the work of the devil”
DEVIL: “…Na today?”
—-
***Conclusion**
So, my people…
Enjoy your lives! Get drunk, smoke, orgy, conceive, abort, have a line of cocaine
that’s as long as the River Niger…
“…It’s my life..!”
Steal, murder, kidnap,
extort, propagate hateful agenda in the name of any religion you deem fit.
“…Who go fit stop us..?”
But in all this, just make
sure you are ready to bear the full consequences of your actions ALONE, and not
have a backup plan to come running to a purported foolishly all merciful, and
easily deceived christian God when you realise that your life is upside down
and that with your own hands you have been the sole architect of your doom.
“…The truth will set you free. But first it will make
you miserable…”
What I am saying in essence
is that there should be sincerity in all things, especially sincerity to
oneself, gender irrespective. No matter how much we try to deceive ourselves,
we all know what is right. Seek the truth, live the truth, be who you are and
have no apologies for it. In your
journey through this life,
you’re the only thing you can’t
leave behind.
This article was published with permission from
anakadrian
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