Confessions of a V-day loser

l have never received a heart shaped gift ever. In my 24 years on this planet I have never ever had a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. Like, never ever.

I have never had a giant teddy bear with my name at my doorstep. Never received a hand written card so cute it makes everyone else wanna vom. Never gotten to eat an entire box of chocolates (that I haven’t paid for myself. Of

course I regularly eat boxes of chocolates, let’s be real here.)

Anyway, the point is, if you’re going to feel pity for someone on February 14, it’d probably be me as I’m the ultimate Valentine’s Day Loser.

At least I think that’s how I’m supposed to feel being single on the one day of the year that is all about publicly declaring love for your Soulmate

But the truth is, I’m quite OK with it.  Maybe I finally figured out that your relationship status does not define who you are. It does not make you a better person. It does not make you prettier, smarter or funnier. And just ‘cos you’re single on V-Day, it most certainly does not mean you’ll die in your apartment all alone, the neighbours

discovering your body mauled by rats and roaches #so gross# which is what I used to think

.

Having had 24 years to get used to the idea, I can now get through the day with my self-esteem firmly in tact. If this is your first V-Day single, or if you’re wondering how you’re going to deal with riding solo, this is my advice to you…

Firstly, it’s totally normal to feel a bit crap. Everyone wants to find love and this day just serves like a punch-in-the-face reminder that you haven’t. But this is not the day to drink too much red wine and start sending cringe-y texts to THAT person.

Secondly, I learnt a very long time ago  that there are three words guaranteed to get you in a pink bubble. So you must promise me now you will never, not under ANY circumstances think them, utter them or believe them.

They are, “I’m all alone!!!”

Closely followed by, “Nobody loves me!!!”

Both of these phrases are lies. Pure, evil lies. Ok, so it’s true that there might not be a blue toothbrush next to your pink one, but you are not “all alone”, and there are, in fact, LOTS of

people who love you. Unless you’re a racist bigot  in which case, I can’t help you.

Thirdly, you must use social media with caution or you risk “IF I SEE ANOTHER FREAKING INSTAGRAM WITH THE HASHTAG #MYBOOWUVSME I’M GONNA FREAKING LOSE MY SANITY YOU SLOBS #rage#.

While it genuinely makes me happy to see my friends all loved up 363 days of the year, I learnt that when feeling emotionally vulnerable, it’s best to avoid Instagram and Facebook on the 14th AND the 15th of February – give a day for feeds to clear of the nauseating one-dessert-two-spoons pictures.

And finally, the best way to spend Valentine’s Day is some quality time with the one person you should love more than anyone else in this world – you! Plan to do something that makes you insanely happy.

This year, I’m thinking it will involve one or all of the following: pancakes, sweet potato fries,

cookies and cream icecream, my two best single friends, wine, laughs, and absolutely NO tears.

But look, if all that fails, just get up, shower, go to work and then do your usual saturday night thing… In other words, stick to your routine because it is just another day, after all.

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