Monday, August 17, 2015

Random thoughts 3

 My knees still buckle and I still get panic attacks every time I get on a stage. My self-confidence can be measured out in teaspoons, and it will still taste funny in my mouth. But when they bombed Hiroshima, some people were wiped clean away, leaving only a wristwatch or a diary page. So no matter that I have inhibitions to fill all my pockets, or fears or reservations  I keep trying, hoping that one day I'll write a post or say something I can be proud to let sit in the  museum of your heart as the only proof I existed. 
My Mom named me Sarah( my dad named me Tina and I named myself Favour), which is a biblical name. In the beginning, God told Sarah she could do something impossible, and -- she laughed, because the first Sarah, she didn't know what to do with impossible. And me? Well, neither do I, but I see the impossible every day. Impossible is trying to connect in this world, trying to hold onto others while things are blowing up around you, staying true to friends that won’t give a second thought about hurting you, loosing the ones you love in splits seconds and  knowing that while you're speaking, they aren't just waiting for their turn to talk -- they hear you. They feel exactly what you feel at the same time that you feel it. It's what I strive for every time I pick up mouse to type a new post -- that impossible connection. 
There's this piece of wall in Hiroshima that was completely burnt black by the radiation. But on the front step, a person who was sitting there blocked the rays from hitting the stone. The only thing left now is a permanent shadow of positive light. After the A-bomb, specialists said it would take 75 years for the radiation-damaged soil of Hiroshima City to ever grow anything again. But that spring, there were new buds popping up from the earth. 
When I meet you, in that moment, I'm no longer a part of your future. I start quickly becoming part of your past. But in that instant, I get to share your present. And you, you get to share mine. And that is the greatest present of all. So if you tell me I can do the impossible -- I'll probably laugh at you. I don't know if I can change the world yet, because I don't know that much about it -- and I don't know that much about a lot of things either, but if you make me laugh hard enough, sometimes I forget what time of the day it is. This isn't my post. This isn't my last either. These aren't the last words I'll share. But just in case, I'm trying my hardest to get it right this time around.

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Nosakhare Favour Osayuwamen


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