Thursday, August 6, 2015

Rethinking Infidelity

Why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? And when we say "infidelity," what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story, paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat out of boredom and fear of intimacy, but women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy? And is an affair always the end of a relationship. Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. We used to marry, and had sex for the first time. But now we marry, and we stop having sex with others. Maybe monogamy has nothing to do with love or maybe men relied on women's fidelity in order to know whose children these are.

Throughout history, men practically had a license to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host of biological and evolutionary theories that justified their need to roam, so the double standard is old, really old. When it comes to sex, the pressure for men is to boast and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women is to hide, minimize and deny, which isn't surprising when you consider that there are still nine countries where women can be killed for straying. It's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened our economic security. But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery -- that was the space where we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it

Today, we have never been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame.

The typical assumption is that if someone cheats,either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people can't all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?

So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity.They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience. And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, "You think I didn't want more? But I'm not the one who did it." But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim more, and they no longer have to uphold the status quo that may not have been working for them that well, either

I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other -- what it did to you, and what it meant for me. Most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person.Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together

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Osayuwamen Favour Nosakhare


  1. Such is life and thatz the society for us. Our perception to relationships have a great influence on it. At times you can't just predict what you happen in the socalled relationship.May God help us to locate the right person cos thatz the real deal

  2. Oh!! Why!!! Why did this have to be culled!! Whhhhyyyyy!! I mean i had literally fallen in love with your mind for this post.. And that culled broke me.. But oh well.. I must say that this is a great Article.. probably the best i have read all August,. Yeah Yeah.. I know.. August Just started.. but hey! vam Vam.. Before you know August E haf finish...

    This line hit me like a bolt of lighting.. the line that went...

    "And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier."

    Bubba.. It eez beyond sad how life has become.. I even look at the things I do atimes and shake my Bloody head for my Bloody self.. What ever happened to Chastity?! to Virginity being a thing of honor?! What ever happened to Love and sustainability?! What ever happened to marrying Young by Choice and being happy about it?! Now what we have most a times is.. I a Scene of "Baby I am Pregnant" as a means of proposal as against the "Will you marry me.."

    The truth is the world is spiraling down an untraceable path.. one day we will wake up and Marriages will be Contracts..! Oh Wait They are already...

    Sad Bubba.. Sad.. How are you Favour?! This was an Apt post.. I liked it a lot...

  3. Hmmmm...infidelity is unacceptable on every ground.

  4. I am totally againt infidelity

  5. I got schooled reading through this article, really a great write up. What ever the reason might be "what's wrong is wrong." May grace keep us on the right path. Thanks dear.

  6. Interesting thoughts and perspective, definitely something to ponder. Thanks for sharing and greetings!

  7. Even when everything is kosher at the home-front, infidelity still crops up. I don't know why. We seem to always want something different from what we currently have yet we are unwilling to let go of what we have! Isn't that just selfishness or 'ojukokoro'? (Someone please help me translate that).

    Infidelity goes beyond the one night stands, the paid sex, the lusting after another. A woman may possibly detest the thought of adultery but when she picks up her phone to chat into the night with another, she's creating room for an emotional bond which for me is the highest form of infidelity. I say woman because women are the ones who frown most at cheating even when they are not happy in a marriage, we hate not to be loyal.

    Why do we seek this attention from another? We can go on and on trying to find the answer but I doubt we'll ever find it an easy feat but it's plain wrong. Good read.

    1. @ "I say woman because women are the ones who frown most at cheating even when they are not happy in a marriage"

      Amazing Comment Lola.. Just plain Amazing... Wow!!! You are something Bubb... Your wisdom is literally un measurable Onyilola... aha!! WaRRapin nah?! You fine.. Smart and sharp all at once...Only you one?! I must say Bubba... You have the reasoning of a goddess... The above literally struck me.... Like a Bolt of lightning...

      I am sorry Favour toh sure.. for being a Noise maker on your Blog for a bit... This post excited me from deep within... You go gurrrlll...Ooosssheey Turn uP.

    2. I respect your comment @oyinllola Sobowale. You are a mind reader

  8. People should go yo jail for infidelity... Lol but seriously it's wrong and ungodly.

  9. What a beautiful write up! Some people cheat because they are beyond redemption, others cheat because they can get away with it while some people cheat for no apparent reason.

    It really hurts to be cheated on - the feeling of hurt, betrayal, frustration ...........

  10. People cheat for mainly two reasons.

    1. Lack of the fear of God who said human should have sex only within marriage.

    2. Lack of strong moral principles that kept the balance of humanity intact.

    People don't just cheat because they can. They cheat because of the above.

    The world is daily becoming a place where the sanity that held it together is constantly been hacked at by the part of man that relishes darkness.

    Divorce may be the only way out for some. But it has become sport for many.

    Sex has been abused to pieces and there is a lot to pay for that indiscretion.

    A balanced world needs restraint and discipline to keep it that way. That discipline is been fought against and replaced with a clamour for freedom to pursue vices.

    Baby-mamahood is becoming the new definition of prestige among women. Before long we will be a society peopled with unbalanced children who grow up without the qualities that a stable family setting adds to the individual.

    I would have wept for the world. But I cant. Would not. Despite the pain. Because the world is simply coming to an end. As foretold.

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